Okay, so I read all the newspaper stuff about the U.S making games and McDonald’s. Then I told my parents I was going to a friend’s house, then I took a bus across Russia.
But when I was almost at the port to get a boat to Alaska, these chinese soldiers started screaming at me for some reason. It was snowy and there was nobody around, so they pushed and pushed me and I grabbed a stick and threw it at one of them, then they tried to shoot me and I stole a boat.
When I got to the U.S, I wanted California so I could go to the beach. I was still traumatized about the shootout, and I started looking for a job, but I couldn’t get it legally because I was illegal, and a Canadian boy told me I could be a lumberjack and a fur trapper for his dad.
So I worked for 3 months straight, it was hard work and I couldn’t sleep. The kid’s dad was an alcoholic and one day he decided to go back to Canada, SO I CROSSED MORE BORDERS ILLEGALLY!
Some days later I met this girl from Utah, religious and stuff. The kid’s dad kept looking at her, and one day I caught him tying her up and saying "I like these religious bunch.."
So I picked my lumber axe and threatened him with it. I tied him up and freed the girl, and she told me to call the police and she would keep guard on him.
But I knew the police was working with the chinese to capture me, so I beat up the girl in self-defense (Turns out she was a spy?) and took a bus to California.
Now I’m in California and I got some kind of tropical disease that I’m not kind of immune because I’m from snowy areas. Can the government help me even if I fled from Ukraine, China, Russia, and Canada?
@Spenser I was born in the U.S.S.R. What can I do?
But anyway, can the government help me or not? I spend all my bartending dollars on the local inn.
@Mandy Are you guys serious? When I asked my new boss if I should tell my story to the internet, he told me Mexicans did it all the time.

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Categories: Dear UBI

4 Responses

  1. ibu guru says:

    You’re either a troll or an inept serial criminal. Maybe the Chinese soldiers should have shot you for assaulting them? Go home, stay there.

  2. Spenser says:

    jesus christ kid. this is like straight out of a movie.

  3. Mandy says:

    Sorry, I don’t believe your story.

  4. Uncle says:

    what a bunch of nonsense

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